All You Need Is Love

“If you are softer than before they came, you have been loved.”

- Nayyirah Waheed, Salt

The days and weeks around Valentine’s Day always prompt me to reflect on love - on the relationship I have with myself and with others - and on what it really means to love and be loved.

As both a psychologist specialising in childhood trauma and a trauma survivor myself, the topic of self-love has come to be especially meaningful for me.

It has been said that when a child is abused, they do not stop loving their abuser, they stop loving themselves.

One of the saddest consequences of trauma is this loss of connection to one’s true authentic self.

The Jungian Analyst Donald Kalsched has said that this occurrence is a violent splitting apart - like the splitting of an atom - resulting in the creation of a ‘false self’ by the ‘Self-Care System’ (SCS).

Eckhart Tolle (2020) describes the ‘false self’ as a ‘pain body’. In Jungian terms it is a rigid ‘persona’ or ego state that is not aligned to the core self, and so not as alive or full of vitality as a sense of self based on spontaneous authentic experience. It might be likened to a ‘branch cut off from the vine’ (Tolle, 2020) or the hardened scar tissue of a wound (Gabor Maté).

The ‘false self’ is a miraculous yet tragic dissociative defence mechanism - an invisible shield or form of armour designed to safeguard the child from psychological annihilation during their experiences of abuse (so that they are not ‘really there’) - that serves to protect them from future harm (Kalsched, 2008).

However, whilst the ‘false self’ is a protective mechanism, it is also persecutory - a barrier within oneself, built against the world, that can continue to impact one’s capacity for love as an adult (Kalsched, 2008). As Rumi has said:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi

For example, trauma survivors may come to feel a sense of ongoing unworthiness and loss, which can lead to a fear of rejection or abandonment so overwhelming, that they may do whatever it takes to avoid having to experience it again.

Imagine a parent and child who lose each other in a big city - the sense of powerlessness, panic and despair - this is what a trauma survivor may experience when they perceive their safety to be threatened, and it feels truly terrifying.

These overwhelmingly painful feelings may result in reactive behavioural responses, such as fight, flight, freeze and fawn (“the 4Fs” described by Walker, 2013). These are survival responses, natural to us all, especially when we are faced with very high levels of stress.

Although there may be times when re-traumatisation does occur in real time, it is not necessarily what is happening in the moment that causes the pain. Rather, it is the reminder of the past known trauma being re-lived in the terrifying void of an unknown future that is most frightening. This has been termed an ‘emotional flashback’ (Walker, 2013).

Trauma survivors therefore have to deal not only with the initial experience of abuse (the event itself and how it was experienced internally), but also the impact of this upon their development into adulthood (the effects) - including the capacity for genuine and trusting human relationships. This is known as the 3Es of trauma (SAMHSA).

In coming to terms with the truth about the ‘false-self’ - a persona they had no conscious control in creating and did not choose to manifest - trauma survivors may punish themselves and feel a sense of hopelessness, isolation and shame.

It can be all too easy for individuals with a background of trauma to slip into debilitating states of low self-worth, self-hate and self-blame. Dark places from which it can feel difficult to escape.

“Not loving myself is living in the pain of rejection constantly. It’s a cage that gets smaller with every experience of someone else not loving me.

I shrink further, find myself even less lovable, even less worthy. If I can’t want myself, fiercely, indignantly, defiantly, then nothing can make me feel wanted.

So I have to constantly look for that part of myself that says: ‘you’re not enough’, and coax it gently into recognizing its own magnificence.

I have to ask myself: Where did I get that wound? What is it that I need to heal it? How can I fall in love with myself? How can I love myself even better? How can every moment feel like a beginning?” - Tala Nadar

To go on to love oneself - and others - despite these feelings of fear and loss is the act of a freedom fighter - a brave and courageous act of resistance:

“Loving myself is screaming out loud, I deserve, I survive, I thrive, I create, I open myself to the world without fear because nothing can shatter me and even if I shatter, I’ll rebuild into something even more beautiful.” - Tala Nadar

Part of the process of recovery from trauma, involves recognising and integrating the unconscious aspects of our personality that were forced into hiding or split off during the creation of a ‘false self’, but that nevertheless direct our behaviours without us realising.

In analytical psychology, these blindspots of the psyche that do not correspond with the inner image of who we think we are, are known as the ‘shadow’.

The shadow contains everything about ourselves that we cannot consciously tolerate, and is therefore repressed. This may be because we do not like what we see, or because those aspects of our personality have been discouraged or frowned upon by others.

When there has been trauma, it is often the case that the shadow contains aspects of our personality that were hurt, abandoned, rejected or shamed; or emotional experiences that were too painful to bear.

But the shadow is not unique to trauma survivors; it is a universal phenomenon - common to every single human being.

In contrast to Freud, Jung believed that the ‘shadow’ might include not only ‘negative’ aspects of our personality (e.g. aggression, cowardice, carelessness, selfishness, arrogance, vanity, love of material possessions and lust), it might also include ‘positive’ aspects (e.g. spontaneity, creativity, curiosity, sensitivity, spirituality, assertiveness, right to say ‘no’, passion and sexuality).

Jung argued that it is not the aspects of the personality themselves that are problematic. It is when we resist accepting and integrating the shadow within ourselves and project it outward that it develops an almost autonomous power over our lives and causes us suffering.

Once unconscious aspects of our personality become conscious, we can choose which to restore - or reconfigure - and which to relinquish. As Jung came to realise:

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” - Carl Jung

Bringing the shadow into conscious awareness is by no means an easy task, but it is the aim of psychoanalysis because it enables us to live a more authentic, fulfilled and balanced life - to become healthier, whole and more empowered versions of ourselves.

However, this level of enlightened self-awareness is most helpfully achieved through cultivating a connection to one’s core self, and through practices of self-love, compassion and empathy.

The author of “Eat, Pray, Love” Elizabeth Gilbert alludes to the importance of a gentle, loving ‘re-parenting’ of the self, rather than fuelling even greater shame with expressions of self-hate or self-blame. She says:

“Self-honesty without self-love is nothing but self-abuse….And here is what I am finding, as I age: I simply do not have the stamina for self-abuse anymore….Too much practice in empathy and too many years of tenderness have ruined my chances to collapse ever again into the job of full-time shame. I have loved all the hatred for myself out of myself.” - Elizabeth Gilbert, Facebook, 04.09.16

So, this Valentine’s Day - in fact every day - practice recognising your own magnificence and loving all the hatred for yourself out of yourself.

As Gilbert goes onto say:

“…until you learn to treat the struggling human being whom you are with a modicum of empathy, tenderness, and love, you will never be able to love anyone or anything with the fullness of your heart...and that would be a great shame. Because this is what we all want, isn't it? This is what we came here for, right? To learn how to love each other with the fullness of our hearts?” - Elizabeth Gilbert, Facebook, 04.09.16

The more you are able to love and take care of your whole self, and to recognise that your worth is not dependent upon another person’s love, the more likely it is that the defence mechanisms protecting your core self will simply fall away like a scab from an old wound - because they are no longer needed.

“If you stay closely united, you are like a tree, standing in the middle of a bushfire sweeping through the timber. The leaves are scorched and the tough bark is scarred and burnt; but inside the tree the sap is still flowing, and under the ground the roots are still strong. Like that tree, you have endured the flames, and you still have the power to be reborn.” - Pope John Paul II Address to Alice Springs

And if you have entered into a loving intimate relationship with another, I hope that you are loved so well that you can shed the armour of your false self and feel love flow from the deepest truest wellspring of your soul - fully alive in love - knowing that you are always worthy of love, because of course, you are love.

“A lot of ‘loves’ leave us jaded or angry, wanting to wear more armour, protect ourselves better, grow thicker skin…

Being loved well, by my Self, by others, lets me take off all my layers, lays me bare, leaves me open and receptive and more trusting than I was a moment ago, and a moment before that, and on it goes.

Learning that love is taking off all the masks, all the shields, is a powerful thing.” - Tala Nadar