The Path to the Dark Side
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” - Yoda (Star Wars)
The stories we tell ourselves about situations and events are extremely powerful. Often these stories are based on our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves, about others, or about the world (core beliefs) - and these are typically programmed from our earliest childhood experiences.
For example, if we experienced early neglect as a child, we may understandably come to have fear-based core beliefs that we are “unlovable”, or that others are “untrustworthy”, and that the world is “unsafe”. Negative core beliefs are also known as self-limiting beliefs because they limit our capacity to live our life to the full.
Self-limiting beliefs can result in what’s known as a negative bias, where we think about our life in skewed or inaccurate ways, only focusing on the negative and discounting all the positive experiences.
For example, we may ruminate about the past, worry about the future, or criticise ourselves or others. We may catastrophize and always think the very worst will happen; or jump to conclusions, assuming that others are viewing us badly.
This unhelpful thinking style may cause us to have knee-jerk reactions to events based on inadequate information and, thus, reduce our accuracy and flexibility.
We might also have what is known as confirmation bias. This is when we look for evidence to prove our core-beliefs right – even our negative self-limiting beliefs. As a result, we may take in information that fits with our already held beliefs about ourselves, and filter out information that does not fit with our beliefs.
For example, if someone has self-limiting beliefs that they are “inadequate”, “unworthy of love”, or “bad”, they may seek out unhealthy partners who prove their core beliefs of unworthiness ‘right’.
Dr Martin Seligman describes how the stories and narratives we tell ourselves to explain life events can either be based on beliefs which are balanced, accurate and realistically optimistic (think ‘Jedi’), or unbalanced, inaccurate and pessimistic (think the ‘dark side’). This has been termed our explanatory style by Seligman and research shows that the way we talk to ourselves about events can be the key contributing factor to a life characterised by mental health and wellbeing, as opposed to a life of mental ill-health and suffering.
For example, a study by BBC's Lab UK and the University of Liverpool, revealed that rumination (over-thinking events in a fearful way) is the biggest predictor of the most common mental health problems in the country. The study found that traumatic life events, such as abuse or childhood bullying, were the biggest cause of anxiety and depression when dwelled upon. This is followed by family history, income and education. Next comes relationship status and social inclusion.
The study also found that people who didn’t ruminate, dwell on, or blame themselves for their difficulties, had much lower levels of depression and anxiety, even if they'd experienced many negative events in their lives. According to the study, dwelling on negative thoughts and self blame are both crucial psychological pathways to depression and anxiety.
Peter Kinderman, Professor in Clinical Psychology, University of Liverpool, concluded that:
"This is a positive message…helping someone tackle negative thought processes is not something that has to be done exclusively by clinical psychologists. Other (health) professionals can be trained to deliver simple psychological help and techniques. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money." - Peter Kinderman
Although we cannot change the events themselves - or our neurobiological make-up - we can change the way we think and deal with events.
“If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.” ~ Rabindranath Tagore
Research by Southwick and Charney (2012) shows that being able to think flexibly about an event, and pivot more towards realistic optimism, are two crucial mechanisms that underpin our personal resiliency. Their inspiring book “Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life's Greatest Challenges” identifies ten key ways to weather and bounce back from stress and trauma (a new edition of this is to be published in 2023) .
I have found that I have a natural tendency to be drawn very forcefully towards the ‘dark side’ of fear - including rumination, dwelling on the negative and self-blame. To some extent, this is very normal human behaviour. But it can be exacerbated by traumatic experiences.
And - a bit like folding my arms the wrong way, or writing with my non-dominant hand - changing this habit is not something that comes easily to me. I need to work hard to see things from a different angle.
It takes daily practice for me to re-direct my sometimes ‘stuck’ thinking, so that I can view events from a more balanced, accurate and realistic perspective. To do this, I need to ask some questions about what I am thinking and the way I am thinking.
A useful tool I have found for assisting me with more flexible and optimistic thinking has come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT is a third wave Cognitive Behavioural Therapy approach that encourages the use values and mindfulness techniques to support healthier mental habits.
In their book “Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life for Teens: A Guide to Living an Extraordinary Life”, Ciarrochi, Hayes and Bailey teach the ACT technique of BOLD as a ‘mindful warrior’ skill for teenagers. Bold is an acronym that stands for:
Breathing deeply and slowing down
Observing your thoughts and feelings (e.g. helpful / unhelpful thoughts)
Listening to your values (considering what you want / don’t want in life)
Deciding on actions and doing them (aligning with your values and acting in accordance with your true self)
I try to use the technique of BOLD when I notice myself feeling fear around a situation or event in my life.
Just the act of slowing down, breathing and observing how I may be thinking the very worst case scenario or only seeing the negative permits me the space to view the situation from a wider perspective.
Our thinking system is like a guard or an ‘advisor’ that has been biologically designed to alert us to threat and to keep us safe - but it does not exist to make us happy.
“Your advisor makes monsters seem present, but what if there are no monsters?” - Hayes, Ciarrochi & Bailey (2022)
Rather than battling negative thoughts, noticing them without judgement - even thanking them for their help - is what helps me to unhook myself from this thinking trap, allowing me the freedom to listen to what I really want in life.
This approach is emphasised in Ciarrochi, Hayes and Bailey’s new book about psychological flexibility: “What Makes You Stronger: How to Thrive in the Face of Change and Uncertainty Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.”
Here the authors advocate the DNA-v model, where our internal Advisor, Noticer and Discoverer act in alignment with our central values and need for vitality in order to transform how we respond to unwanted challenges, stress, and change. The ultimate aim of this approach is to help individuals to find their own meaningful path to a purposeful life.
When I open my heart and live from my values - values of freedom, love, adventure, spirituality, beauty and creativity - I can decide to take valued-actions that are more in line with who I really am.
As Marianne Williamson explains, often we self-sabotage because we have been disconnected from our power source - our true self - and from others around us.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?” - Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love)
Our beliefs create our reality. Repeating positive value affirmations every day about what we care about, can energise us like a new wind of loving-kindness, lifting our wings to allow us to soar.
What’s more, research shows that holding our values in mind, can even help us to withstand pain longer (Hayes, Ciarrochi & Bailey, 2022).
When we hold fast to what we value, we are more likely to manifest the healthy life we really desire - rather than re-live what is holding us back.
It is the power of our beliefs that can help us to tap into a source of love, rather than a source of fear, and to choose a path to enlightenment, rather than a path to the dark side. Simply by changing our thoughts and beliefs, we can change our life - and this is an act of rebellion that can change the whole world.